I always knew this moment would come; even knew the choice I would make. But I prolonged and procrastinated, trying to extend my time, like a child who never wants summer vacation to end.

By Pastor Robert Perez

I was born a dichotomous being, with a division of human and spirit. Sounds silly and pretentious, I know. ‘Aren’t we all?’ you may be thinking, like the expectation that we are born with two eyes and two ears. From a spiritualist’s perspective, Christian or otherwise, the very nature of any faith is built on that premise and the belief that we are all born with the ability to develop spiritually.

I’ve always been conscious of these two states of being, like how I flit between them, with prolonged stays on either side, until I find myself eventually in the other, and then back again. I can even get close to the line that separates the two and observe both with deeper contemplation.

It’s the joy experienced in each that is the hardest to reconcile, whilst knowing they may never coexist, leaving me the possibility of having to choose or stay a vagrant waffling between two homes, always knowing at some point I will have to check out to go back to the ‘other home’.

Perhaps this is the very conundrum of our spiritual selves akin to us all? Each person must decide where to predominately lay their head at night.

For me, the continuous reverberating between these states cannot continue, as is. I have to make a choice, a very profound choice, at the very least to pick a home and vacation at the other. I genuinely love both my worlds and God knows this. There is no shame in it, but there is heartbreak. I am incomplete in the middle, hence, a failure of sorts to both parties, like a person who works too hard and fails at being a good spouse and parent, even though they try to manage as best they could. It’s always career versus family, duty versus pleasure.

I always knew this moment would come; even knew the choice I would make. But I prolonged and procrastinated, trying to extend my time, like a child who never wants summer vacation to end.

It’s critical to be forthright and transparent in the process of my spiritual development by use of my own example in conjunction with deep analysis of the spiritual realm at large. The hope is there is significance that will have relevance to others because I am openly laying out the journey that may turn out to be the only journey possible for any one of us. We all must someday choose.

On my professional website for my art and photography, Robert Perez Studio, I have the words “It all comes together…” I wrote this to illustrate the coming together of all my disciplines and how they each affect and nourish each other. The words kept gnawing at my brain, until I realized the true ‘coming together’, as they must now come under one roof in one home serving the same purpose.

Does this now mean a static and constricted development of my work? Not at all. What it does mean is a definitive priority above all, and that is my servitude to God.

You may think that I have already made that decision when I was ordained. Well, yes and no. Daily personal and professional life can require of us a multitude of responsibilities, and desires, many conflicting with each other.

I’m making the decision to minimize opposing propositions in pursuit of a concentrated goal, that if I don’t make, will continue to hinder my development, as an artist and a pastor, and be an obstacle to deeper understanding of Gods universe, which ultimately is all that matters in the end.

God has called me, and I must concede. It is time.

I surrender to You Lord all that I do. I vow to do my best to serve with love, from the smallest of tasks to the greatest. It is my sincerest endeavor to seek Your wisdom, and to serve others in their pursuits of You and Your infinite love.

3 thoughts on “Surrendering…

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